Food, food, food… argh every time I tell myself never again and it’s gone in a second. He looks at me with his pleading eyes, or tells me “I just want to be like them Mum” and I cave. So he ate Chinese noodles… big mistake. He ate the noodles on Saturday night, on Sunday night he wouldn’t go to sleep, he was crying, miserable and angry. He also chose to debut the use of the ‘F’ word! I almost fell over, I know the suggested reaction is to ignore it and not make a big deal but I wasn’t about to let it go. It was so much more than just the word! The word meant more to me than that! It means he understands fully the power and potential of what he says. Apparently he has been storing the word for maximum impact since he heard it from his friend a week or so ago. This poking is fairly typical, almost a desire to treat me like a lab rat. He will say or do something then watch, with his head almost sideways waiting to see my reaction. This time he wasn’t disappointed, except instead of getting angry I cried! 🙁
Why would I cry? I was amazed at the feeling myself. I was so disappointed, so sad to hear it come out of his mouth. So very, very sad to hear him use the word for effect. But it’s more than that I guess – using the word tells me he is no longer a child, no longer innocent, no longer will we be fighting ‘baby’ or childish issues, this is the big guns, this is the scary part. This is where he learns to really fight dirty. Yes, at that moment all that and more crashed through my brain at the same time.
Sounds dramatic, sounds over the top, sounds too much, but I think I have been waiting for this, waiting for this moment, the moment when he goes over into the advanced, more mature thought process. It scares me, it truly scares me. Just his loss of innocence, his loss of cuteness. The idea that as he matures and gets angrier and more aggressive he will lose the loveability factor that keeps people liking him, the innocence and enthusiasm being replaced with loathing and snide remarks. The idea that soon Santa will be gone, the tooth fairy will cease to exist, and my own angst that my son is embarking on his teen years too darn early!
Anyway is this food related or adoption related or is it time to accept my son suffers just from extreme fear and loathing and we should all just get on with it. I like to at least have some hope so I am going with the idea that this is fixable in some way shape or form, otherwise I might just go insane!