“A winter’s day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I’ve built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Don’t talk of love,
well I’ve heard the words before;
It’s sleeping in my memory.
I won’t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I have my books and my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain; and an island never cries!”
This brought his feelings home to me more than any therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist or any other person ever could. His anger, his depression, his anxiety – he is pushing away, he is protecting himself, it isn’t that he wants to, he truly feels like he has to – just to survive. When he is raging, when he is aggressive, angry, annoyed, annoying, I will remember this. I will remember this and remember WHY he is this way. This is not conscious, this is at his deepest level, his core. This, when everything else is stripped away, is his core belief.
The conference yesterday was full of great information and gave us a renewal to keep going. His progress has been huge, and we know now we can take him where he wants to go, but always and forever his innermost feelings will come back to the words in this song.